so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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