You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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