Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
