your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
