i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
