Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
