So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
BRING THE BAGELS
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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