barbara walters just said penis...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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