If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
