So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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