Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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