I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
