thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Randomize
