Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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