Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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