I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
