would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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