I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
