I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize