I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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