Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize