The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
