hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
