I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
