Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
