There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
