he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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