at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
