I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
