i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
