John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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