omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
