Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
