I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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