Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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