You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
is wine microwaveable?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
