i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
