i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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