I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I need to sanitize my soul.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
