One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
