Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
