headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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