I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
