Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
