Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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