I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
