just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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