have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
