Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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