now i know why i became what i already was.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
